How Can You Love What's Been Lost?


I’m at a loss. I really am. When I sat down to write this, I didn’t think there would be an issue. Self-love? That’s simple. There are hundreds of step-by-step articles on how to love the person you are. But, the more I think about it, the more I realize I don’t love me at all. This is my fourth attempt at writing something, and it’s a struggle. Respect, admiration even, is felt, but I do not love the woman I see in the mirror. Everything about me has changed since becoming a wife and mother, and I’m not sure who I am. I’m not sure what I look like without my husband and son. 

I feel as lost as I did the first time I went blonde in middle school. My hair was mustard, and I was blindly searching for identity. I have wandered so deep into my roles at home I’m almost certain I’ve given myself away. So, I guess this post is about my trudge back to me. My adventure is sifting through the pieces scattered in obligation and putting together something, someone I can love. 

I’ve always been proud of my sense of humor. If you’re gonna be fat, you must be funny. At least that was the role I fell into in my formative years. I don’t think I’m required to take that place now, but I would like to keep the wit. I also love to write. I usually only sit myself down to write a post or two a month, but I used to commit myself to more. Words still make my heart happy — and this girl loves to sing. I was often bribed or maybe even guilted into singing as I grew up, but it’s buried in my spirit now. Every time I let myself live in a moment of music, God pulls at my heart to dive deeper and cling to that love. These are all pieces of me that have gotten pushed aside or lost, but I do really love each of them. And I would love the woman who made people laugh, who moved them with her worlds, and who let God use her through worship. I want to be her. I need to be her. And maybe this topic and this post were put in place so God could remind me of that. 

Self-love is hard. It’s impossible when you forget you’re a person. Still, one word keeps coming to mind, grace. 

“But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it.” Ephesians 4:7

God showers us with his grace, a care that comes even when we are unworthy. That’s what I need. I know I have been blessed by God’s grace, but I need to show a bit of that myself. Grace is love for the seemingly unlovable. I may not know who I am right now, but these pieces of me deserve love because God’s grace has given it already. I need to love the woman I am even if I am continually in progress. I need to love in preparation for the woman I am becoming and to nurture the woman I am now. 

Kendra is a loving wife, tired mom, and lifelong preacher's kid. She currently resides with her family, 2 cats, and 1 dog in a little blue house in Oklahoma.