So often the notion of being “broken-hearted” is negative. It’s the thing nobody wants, the passed over gift at the white elephant, the untouched dish at the potluck. If you have a broken heart and show it you are often avoided because nobody wants what you’re having. When I read our theme for this month, my first thought was, I don’t want to write about that. But the more I thought about it, the more I had to, but not about heartbreak and what we go through — but what comes out of it.

Life comes with a load of brokenness. Depending on the season we’re walking through, sometimes our haul is manageable and other times we find ourselves huffing from exhaustion. Brokenness comes in many different forms and takes on personas we hoped it never would. I’ve experienced brokenness lately in an array of different shapes and sizes, each carrying its own burden. A few weeks ago I received a rejection letter for a fellowship I applied for. That thing took every little piece of me. I had never worked so hard at something and to see it all fall away is hard to accept.

I still remember the last time I held his hand and watched him sleep. Told him I loved him, not knowing when I would see him again. Although it might seem like I'm talking about a breakup, and this same situation has happened before in my love life, I'm talking about another kind of love. Almost four years ago, I lost my grandfather. Growing up, my dad's parents were a second set of parents for my brother and me. When my parents needed a well-deserved break, for all of our recitals and sporting games, every holiday and birthday and really any day in between, my grandparents were always there.

I remember sitting on the bed, six months pregnant with our second son, feeling as if my world had stopped. This person who had promised to love me for the rest of our lives just told me he wouldn’t choose me. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. My heart was broken that day. My dreams for the future seemed so very far away. What was I supposed to do? I felt so very, very unloved. And yet, I had made a commitment to love this man for the rest of my life. How could I love someone who didn’t love me back? I made the choice to honor my covenant, even when it hurt so very much. Even when I wanted to leave. Even when he wasn’t honoring his.