Picking up the Pieces

You know that feeling when you actually feel nothing at all? When you’ve been beat to a pulp and your emotions suddenly stop? Where it seems as if every tear shed and every dark space you occupied literally drained the life out of you? I’ve been there. While it’s nice for a moment to not feel a single thing, it is absolutely terrifying to think I must have been through enough to where nothing could phase me anymore. Gosh, that makes me tremble. Believe me, I know the brokenness of this world will never rest. We will forever be at odds with the forces of nature that try to bring us down.

He Restores the Brokenhearted

I didn’t know it had come back so hard. I hadn’t prepared my head or my heart because all I could process was that just a month, ONE MONTH before this, doctors had given her the go to announce she was in remission. ONE MONTH ago we were redreaming of her finally coming to join me in high school. We imagined Sadie Hawkins dances and late nights and getting our drivers licenses the following year. Nothing had pointed to this outcome. I can remember the loss for words. The loss of breath. I dropped my phone out of my hand and wept for the remaining hours of my drive from Utah to Nevada with my mom holding me in the back seat of the car.

Courage in the Face of Grief

I quickly fell face down on the floor weeping, and my sister was on the couch, crying the words, “I’m only 14.” My cousin, with her hand on my back, whispered, “I’m so sorry.” As a 16-year-old, the first words out of my mouth after just being told my dad had died were, “We can’t be sorry for what was a part of God’s plan.” Looking back, I am still shocked I said that, as a young girl, in the midst of the greatest grief I had encountered yet. This brings me to think courage can be hard for us to comprehend sometimes. We’re often told to have courage without truly understanding its meaning.

Being Vulnerable Doesn’t Make You Weak

I’m a crier. If I have to talk about hard stuff, you can bet tears will be shed. However, if I’m not in the mood to cry, the walls stay up and I hold back. Let’s be real though, who is ever WANTING to cry? The bottom line here, honestly, is I don’t want people to think of me as weak or broken—so, I don’t cry. I don’t let them in. Vulnerability seems to come naturally to me—in some areas. I am realizing now I keep certain spaces of life secret and hidden away. I can’t seem to bring myself to publicly talk about the things that are hurting me most right now.

How Vulnerability Saved My Life

For me, there was no way to write this article without adequately paying homage to the master of understanding and embracing vulnerability: Brené Brown. Four years ago, I was sitting in the office of a psychologist as he tried to break down my outer protective shell and figure out exactly why I was there. Sure, I felt out of control, was dating someone who was damaging my mental and physical health, and was working over 30 hours a week plus taking a 19-credit course load, but “I was fine.” Sitting in the doctor’s office that first day, I was so nervous. He told me to look up a researcher/storyteller/general badass named Brené Brown and that she had a particularly great Ted Talk about vulnerability.

How Can You Love What's Been Lost?

I’m at a loss. I really am. When I sat down to write this, I didn’t think there would be an issue. Self-love? That’s simple. There are hundreds of step-by-step articles on how to love the person you are. But, the more I think about it, the more I realize I don’t love me at all. This is my fourth attempt at writing something, and it’s a struggle. Respect, admiration even, is felt, but I do not love the woman I see in the mirror. Everything about me has changed since becoming a wife and mother, and I’m not sure who I am. I’m not sure what I look like without my husband and son. I feel as lost as I did the first time I went blonde in middle school. My hair was mustard, and I was blindly searching for identity. I have wandered so deep into my roles at home I’m almost certain I’ve given myself away.

Anchored in Love: My Healing Journey

Then, years later, the crash came. I’d managed for so long, but in the fall of 2016, my weary body started firing symptoms like sirens. I reluctantly put myself back into the hands of a doctor, and after running another panel of tests, she found the mysterious bacteria that had been oppressing my body for almost a decade. We were shocked and relieved, and I immediately entered into the necessary but brutal treatment. Love carried me through those months. The love of my husband who wrapped me in blankets every day just to get me into fresh air. The love of my friends who met me where I was at — in my bed. The love of my family who helped care for me. And mostly, the love of my Creator, who planted a peace in my heart not even the tears could wash away.

Intentional Joy Leaves No Room for Grief

Loss and grief is a painful season life brings. Enduring those tear-filled, heart-shattering moments when reality sets in can absolutely alter anyone’s spirit. Although when 31-year-old Sarah Sligar lost her mother to metastatic lung cancer in 2011, her hurt led to unsurpassable amounts of joy. Like most precious mother-daughter relationships, Sarah and her mom, Nancy were incredibly close — best friends even. Whether it was having a conversation two or three times a day or hitting the mall for a bit of shopping, every moment together was undoubtedly cherished. So, when Nancy’s two-and-a-half-year-long battle with cancer was laid to rest, Sarah couldn’t help but feel devastated, lost and a bit angry.

Grateful in Love

"I'm sorry you have to love me." These words have fallen from both mine and my spouse's lips more than once. Nothing makes you feel more challenged and more inadequate than taking on the responsibility of jumping into a lifelong commitment with someone. I never saw life coming when we fell for each other. It all looked like bliss. But Disney lied, y'all! Being in love is hard, and I have yet to meet my fairy godmother or get my animals to talk back to me. Feeling love is simple but living that love is a lesson in humility, compassion, patience, and growth.

Inspiring Story of Strength From Breast Cancer Survivor

Enduring life’s most unexpected, painful journeys teaches one’s soul how to be resilient. When 54-year-old Conni Colella-Ersland found a small lump in her breast in June 2000, she was about to grow a whole lot stronger — because of the battle ahead. When she was in her 20s, Conni’s gynecologist diligently reminded her to have her first mammogram at the age of 35. But, when the time came to follow her doctor’s instructions, the American Medical Association changed the age recommendation to 40 and Conni was told to wait another five years. It was only a few short months later when she discovered the nickel-sized lump in her left breast.

Finding Fatherly Love Amidst Heartache

When I was a little girl, my dad had a wife who hurt me deeply with piercing words of my worthlessness for years. Even though I only spent a few months with her each year as I was growing up, she had one of the greatest impacts on my heart and self-image as a child. She hurt my heart deeply. She convinced me I was lacking value — that I would never be as good as her daughter, that I was a liar and a waste of space. Each day my dad would leave for work in the summer, I felt abandoned. I felt left behind.

Curbing Loneliness with Fake Love

I allowed my loneliness to lower my standards when it came to men. I mended my heartbreak with any bit of attention that would come my way — it didn’t take much for a guy to mysteriously wrap me around his sneaky little finger. But, as you can imagine, any kind of relationship built on a rocky foundation of settling and fragility never ends well. I continuously set myself up for rejection, hurt and loss of interest. In the midst of my loneliness, I allowed myself to experience unhealthy bouts of fake “love” because in my head it was better than being alone.

God in the Heartbreak

I’ve been out of dating world for over 7 years now and sisters, I freely admit I do not miss it. Dating can be a battlefield of reluctant patience and guys who chew way too loudly. Looking for the man God has willed for you and experiencing heartbreak are nerve-racking, sometimes disappointing, and even unbearable experiences. Still yet, it is equally a time of immense growth, learning to love and know yourself, and drawing closer to your greatest love — God. I have a range of lackluster to downright devastating relationship experiences to draw from. I’m going to focus on two of those not-so-darling guys today and the demise of our relationships.

Be Broken No More

Life comes with a load of brokenness. Depending on the season we’re walking through, sometimes our haul is manageable and other times we find ourselves huffing from exhaustion. Brokenness comes in many different forms and takes on personas we hoped it never would. I’ve experienced brokenness lately in an array of different shapes and sizes, each carrying its own burden. A few weeks ago I received a rejection letter for a fellowship I applied for. That thing took every little piece of me. I had never worked so hard at something and to see it all fall away is hard to accept.

Nikki CharnstromOctober 11, 2018heartbreak, brokenness, broken, life, emotional, hurt, pain, loss, encouragement, girls, blog for women, new blog, christian blog, truth, true struggle, honesty, hurting, inspirationalComment

The Prayer of the Heart

I still remember the last time I held his hand and watched him sleep. Told him I loved him, not knowing when I would see him again. Although it might seem like I'm talking about a breakup, and this same situation has happened before in my love life, I'm talking about another kind of love. Almost four years ago, I lost my grandfather. Growing up, my dad's parents were a second set of parents for my brother and me. When my parents needed a well-deserved break, for all of our recitals and sporting games, every holiday and birthday and really any day in between, my grandparents were always there.

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