I hope you never feel a lack of purpose or direction. Because in 27 years, I’ve been let down by a lot of people and situations but nothing has ever felt as bad as feeling like I had no purpose. Pretty grim way to start my first post in a few years, right? But it’s true. Leading up to 2020 and the pandemic that ruined so many lives, I always had a purpose. And I didn’t even know it. What I didn’t know was that having a job and keeping busy gave me purpose.
Read MoreIt has been five months since I have actually seen my husband Andy. He is in a nursing home and the doors have been closed to visitors since March. Don’t get me wrong—I was in favor of this decision and I still am, but it’s surreal to think just how long it’s been. During this time, hope has been the one constant I’ve held onto. Without it, there’s no way I could give my husband or my family what they need. Initially, the nursing home was not required to test their employees unless they were symptomatic. At the beginning of April, our family started to receive phone calls each week notifying us of positive cases amongst the residents.
Read MorePersonally, it took me several years in relative isolation as a stay-at-home mom, a few identity crises, a prescription from my doctor, and a couple of years of soul-searching for me to finally accept I was enough as I was—no matter what that looked like at any given time. I went to counseling for a bit and formed some new views and friendships that made me feel supported and loved. It took far too long to get here, but I am finally learning and accepting my inherent worth. For some, it might take months or years to undo the lies you have believed for too long—but, like I said, you're worth it.
Read MoreWhen you’re young, things are easy. You don’t think about yourself at a critical level. You’re in school, have friends, stick to your hobbies, and spend your free time evaluating the world around you and contemplating all of the opportunities life has in store for you. Then you grow up. Suddenly, you find yourself caught up in a world filled with self-doubt, deception and questions about what’s next. I don’t say this to be cynical—I really don’t. I say this because it wasn’t until recently that I realized just how much my own thoughts of myself and my talents were weighing me down.
Read MoreThis is the mindset getting me through this season. Not the news headlines. Not the change of pace in my day-to-day life, or the fact that I will most certainly go stir crazy considering I won’t be working for the next few weeks. I am not defined by staying home or "not helping to provide” when circumstances are outside of my control. I am defined by what is constant in my life. The unchanging. Since I fully believe accepting Christ as my savior means He lives within my heart and has made me new, I carry Him with me always. So, if the never-changing Father that is God lives within me, He is the consistency that runs through me always.
Read MoreHe had just broken my heart and left me to pick up the pieces. I pleaded with him to come back, to talk, to work things out—he wouldn’t. I told myself it wasn’t real, that he was just confused, that he’d come crawling back to me—he never did, and at the time, that killed me. I was a sophomore and still trying to figure out the whole college thing. I hadn’t really had the chance to buckle down and get serious about my education because I was too busy focusing on him, on our relationship, on making sure I was enough. The minute that relationship was pulled out from under me, I had a choice to make—would I grovel in self-pity or would I chase my own success?
Read MoreI have this fun, internal friend named, Anxiety. At its worst, it has a way of isolating me from everything I care about. I can feel like my brain is buzzing but still be too exhausted to get off of the couch. It has stolen many moments from me over the last few years, but wounds are finally healing and battle scars are forming. There have been times I have felt completely at the will of my own surplus of adrenaline, and it has been terrifying. I have felt broken and insane. But the worst part was feeling like I was unusual. There are a lot of ways I want to be unique, but feeling one-of-a-kind in pain is just devastatingly isolating.
Read MoreComparison, feeling anything but content, longing. All of these are pieces of what it means to be envious. This one word scared me so much when I saw it, I didn’t want to write about it. I didn’t want to dig deeper beneath my surface, and I definitely didn’t feel the desire to be transparent on a social platform about it. But there is a deeper need to talk about the many layers behind this word than there is for me to keep to myself. Putting my feelings onto a page used to be a way to release my fears and insecurities—and I lost sight of that.
Read MoreDay after day of chaos has me pleading for quiet moments. All I want is to stop for a minute or two and do nothing. I dream of having the sleep and lack of responsibility I had as a child. Taking naps and staying still, I hope, are the rewards of the constant moving and striving. But the moment I stop in one place, the fear creeps in. What will I miss? What opportunity will pass me by while I rest? What if I never move again? What I longed for becomes more scary than the taxing and brutal reality of always working to achieve. I can't let go because I might fade away. People might forget my name, my actions. It is a nearly paralyzing thought.
Read MoreVulnerability is something lots of people struggle with. But being vulnerable and having vulnerability is very important in life. Don’t be fearful in life! Instead, bring your problems and hurt to the feet of Jesus, and He will heal you! Don’t build a wall around yourself, your heart, or your life. Don’t push people away because you’re afraid of getting hurt. I saw the importance of vulnerability on a show once. There were two sisters, and they lost their mother when they were really young. When they grew up, the younger sister was in a relationship with someone and, in a way, avoiding him and pushing him away.
Read MoreI’m a crier. If I have to talk about hard stuff, you can bet tears will be shed. However, if I’m not in the mood to cry, the walls stay up and I hold back. Let’s be real though, who is ever WANTING to cry? The bottom line here, honestly, is I don’t want people to think of me as weak or broken—so, I don’t cry. I don’t let them in. Vulnerability seems to come naturally to me—in some areas. I am realizing now I keep certain spaces of life secret and hidden away. I can’t seem to bring myself to publicly talk about the things that are hurting me most right now.
Read MoreFor me, there was no way to write this article without adequately paying homage to the master of understanding and embracing vulnerability: Brené Brown. Four years ago, I was sitting in the office of a psychologist as he tried to break down my outer protective shell and figure out exactly why I was there. Sure, I felt out of control, was dating someone who was damaging my mental and physical health, and was working over 30 hours a week plus taking a 19-credit course load, but “I was fine.” Sitting in the doctor’s office that first day, I was so nervous. He told me to look up a researcher/storyteller/general badass named Brené Brown and that she had a particularly great Ted Talk about vulnerability.
Read MoreThere is a cost to this life. A cost to relationships. A cost to connection. A cost to being human. Vulnerability comes with risk. The risk of rejection. The risk of betrayal. The risk of disappointment. There is a quote from one of Beth Moore’s studies that has always stuck with me. She was having a conversation with her daughter about God and her daughter said, “He knows it is hard to be us.” That has always stuck with me. God knows it is hard to be us. Jesus walked this earth as a man. He struggled. He was tempted. He knew pain. He knew what it was like to be betrayed by a close friend, to be denied by one of his best friends.
Read MoreI loathe conflict. I don't like people disliking me. I don't like to argue. I don't like to put myself in situations where I know I would be judged. I figure life has plenty of drama on its own—why seek it out? So, I dodge certain people in grocery aisles and delete typed responses to social media debates because I'm not about to march right under someone's microscope. I'm an introvert and an avoider, and I am fully aware of it. What I wasn't aware of was how honesty and transparency can throw you into the line of fire even faster than a good ol' opinionated comment. I avoided the spotlight, but telling my everyday stories to supermarket clerks and new acquaintances made the focus burn twice as bright.
Read MoreThere are dozens of versions of me I imagined as a child. Research scientist, doctor, gymnast, and a dozen more before I graduated high school. Even when I thought I had figured things out in college, my path changed again. The older I got, the more reality hit, and the more I worried I would see myself as a disappointment. I wasn't in med school. I wasn’t on my way to six figures. I didnt know how to reconcile the dreams I had as a kid with the reality of my desires and abilities as an adult. How could I look at myself in the mirror if I just became "this?” Who would care about the girl who does "that" for a living?
Read MoreMy heart was racing. I couldn’t catch my breath. What was happening? Was I having a heart attack? I’m in my thirties, and I’m a runner —certainly my heart is fine. But why can’t I breathe? I took my phone into the closet and frantically searched Google for the signs of a heart attack. What I found made me feel better and worse all at the same time. Thankfully, I was not having a heart attack! Unfortunately, I was having a panic attack. I had never experienced this before. I laid on the floor and focused on breathing in deep, trying to get this horrible feeling to pass. Life was so out of control. We had just made our second big move in three years. Starting over again. New friends. New jobs. New places. I was just beginning to feel settled in our last town, and now I needed to start all over.
Read MoreI’m at a loss. I really am. When I sat down to write this, I didn’t think there would be an issue. Self-love? That’s simple. There are hundreds of step-by-step articles on how to love the person you are. But, the more I think about it, the more I realize I don’t love me at all. This is my fourth attempt at writing something, and it’s a struggle. Respect, admiration even, is felt, but I do not love the woman I see in the mirror. Everything about me has changed since becoming a wife and mother, and I’m not sure who I am. I’m not sure what I look like without my husband and son. I feel as lost as I did the first time I went blonde in middle school. My hair was mustard, and I was blindly searching for identity. I have wandered so deep into my roles at home I’m almost certain I’ve given myself away.
Read MoreIn the last few years, there has been a spiritual war on peace within my household. My husband and I both struggle with finding peace and contentment in the midst of his work and raising a child that needs a little more care than the average kiddo. The days have been full of triumphs, but we are constantly fighting the spirits of fear, frustration, and even FOMO. That's what the kids call the “fear of missing out.” Our life is much more restricted than the lives of our friends, and it's hard to ignore the isolation. Since this struggle with peace has gone on so long, it has begun to feel hopeless. I start to think if it hasn't changed by now, we will always live in this chaotic bubble of loneliness and frustration. It was not until the last couple of weeks that I've been focusing my prayers on what I can do.
Read MoreWhen I was a little girl, my dad had a wife who hurt me deeply with piercing words of my worthlessness for years. Even though I only spent a few months with her each year as I was growing up, she had one of the greatest impacts on my heart and self-image as a child. She hurt my heart deeply. She convinced me I was lacking value — that I would never be as good as her daughter, that I was a liar and a waste of space. Each day my dad would leave for work in the summer, I felt abandoned. I felt left behind.
Read MoreI still remember the last time I held his hand and watched him sleep. Told him I loved him, not knowing when I would see him again. Although it might seem like I'm talking about a breakup, and this same situation has happened before in my love life, I'm talking about another kind of love. Almost four years ago, I lost my grandfather. Growing up, my dad's parents were a second set of parents for my brother and me. When my parents needed a well-deserved break, for all of our recitals and sporting games, every holiday and birthday and really any day in between, my grandparents were always there.
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