You Don’t Owe It to Anyone

Do you remember those interest inventories from high school? If not, I apologize. My mid-thirties might be showing. This was in the dark age before the time of online quizzes and social media questionnaires. These inventories would prompt you to fill in bubbles to answer questions about which activities you preferred. I would always skew my answers a bit toward things that sounded medical because I was pretty sure I’d look fine in a doctor’s coat. So, following my slight cheating, all those questions would lead to a super technical graph showing the jobs you should pursue.

Losing Direction and Finding You

I hope you never feel a lack of purpose or direction. Because in 27 years, I’ve been let down by a lot of people and situations but nothing has ever felt as bad as feeling like I had no purpose. Pretty grim way to start my first post in a few years, right? But it’s true. Leading up to 2020 and the pandemic that ruined so many lives, I always had a purpose. And I didn’t even know it. What I didn’t know was that having a job and keeping busy gave me purpose.

The Silver Lining in 2020

Let me be the millionth person to say it: 2020 has been a rollercoaster of a year. Whether or not you were personally affected by the worldwide pandemic, terrified of killer hornets or maddened by the ungodly amount of political ads, I think we can all agree that this year was unexpected. Now, with only a day left in 2020, I can’t help but think about the ways that this sour lemon of a year turned into a truly delicious lemonade. Prior to 2020, I was moving through life, just doing what had to be done to get by and follow through on my responsibilities. I was unhappy, anxious and sometimes resembled something of a zombie.

With That I Say, 'Thank You, 2020'

2020 has been a low blow. With a number like that, it was hard for many of us to resist declaring that this was our year; the beginning of a new decade with all of the earmarks of a turning point and a fresh start. But, instead of wins, many experienced struggles and losses. 2020 wasn’t marked with the normal “outside looking in” tragedies. We all felt the hit, and I think many of us are seeing life differently because of it. Your outlook changes when you see what you take for granted. For months now, we have limited our time outside the walls of our homes. In ways, it’s been a wake up call to the constant busyness our lives consist of, but it’s also been a day-to-day struggle weighing the benefits of getting out against the odds of carrying a virus back home.

Series Introduction: Perspective

Between long nights, isolation and crumpled tissues on the floor, there is something about this year that feels like a false reality—a surreal blur, a blip in the radar. When I sit back and reflect, part of me can’t help but ask, “Did that really happen?” It’s odd to think that everything we have gone through in 2020 we have gone through together. We’re fighting in the same war, but each facing our own battles. That’s something extraordinarily rare. We have all seen our own share of heartbreak and struggle, yet we can find solace in the common threads that have bound us to each other.

Things You Can Put Your Heart Into

It is so easy to expect too much of yourself. You may carry the weight of obligation or expectation. You may live your life thinking about how your existence appears on the outside. Though some may say this is shallow or dishonest, it really comes from a deep desire to be enough; a desire for someone to dismiss your flaws and instead, find inspiration in your path. If you’re anything like me, you get in over your head way too fast. You want people, family and friends to like you, admire you, and be unconditionally proud of you. And, to do that, you think you have to do it all or at least do the best, most impressive parts.

Restore Your Rest, Sis

When it comes to slowing down, I am no expert. I love the hustle and bustle of life. There’s something so thrilling about rush hours at my work… I am drawn to the little adrenaline rush that comes with a long line of people buzzing about, all in a jumbled line waiting for their turn to order a midday cup of caffeinated goodness. There is also something so special about the quiet moments, the few seconds or hour stretches where no one comes in so my coworkers and I can clean up shop, catch a breath, and stock our supplies.

Taking A Wrecking Ball to the Walls You've Put Up

For a long time, I lived under a huge misconception umbrella. I had learned to be independent, support myself and deal with issues (just) well enough that I didn’t completely lose my mind. Because of this, I denied myself the ability to make real connections with the world and people around me. I threw up those 20-foot-tall emotional walls that we all know and love. The millennial devil on my shoulder likes to blame my tendencies of keeping people out on the fact that I’m a Capricorn. But in all reality, I couldn’t tell you what made me keep everyone at an arm’s length for so long. It just happened.

Series Introduction: Make Room

Do you ever find yourself wishing for longer weekends, more hours in the day, or the ability to stop time? And, if those were possible, maybe you’d be happier, more fulfilled? The truth is none of it is realistic. The saying, “If I only had more time” is a hoax. We will never have more time than we do right now. The 24 hours we have been given in a day is all we will ever get. Period. While we may wish for the clock to stop or rewind, it never will. The world will keep turning and time will go on—with or without us.

Picking up the Pieces

You know that feeling when you actually feel nothing at all? When you’ve been beat to a pulp and your emotions suddenly stop? Where it seems as if every tear shed and every dark space you occupied literally drained the life out of you? I’ve been there. While it’s nice for a moment to not feel a single thing, it is absolutely terrifying to think I must have been through enough to where nothing could phase me anymore. Gosh, that makes me tremble. Believe me, I know the brokenness of this world will never rest. We will forever be at odds with the forces of nature that try to bring us down.

Think Big Picture

The art of living is the messy and painful moments dancing with the glorious and exhilarating moments. It’s the mundane and the meaningful. What makes life so artful is how beautifully each piece of our day to day lives fit together to form a picture of who each of us are. Sometimes, when I look at my life up close, it seems so ugly that it cannot be adding up to the something spectacular I used to dream up for myself. For instance, when I decide to wear all white to work just to splatter several shots of espresso across the ensemble. Or, when I think I’ve got my temper figured out, I blow up at my husband for not telling me to have sweet dreams before we fall asleep…true story, YIKES.

Embracing Your 18-Year-Old Self (and all of her mistakes)

I sat with these questions for a while and decided a good place to start uncovering this mystery would be my own experience and my iPhone’s camera roll—I kid you not, I have nearly 44,000 photos and videos on my phone, dating back to the summer of 2013. Armed with seven years worth of memories and Bon Iver on shuffle, I dove into a former version of myself. I started tracking back to me at 18. Hard worker, naïve, total choir nerd, feverishly in love and ready for the next phase of life. Graduating high school, starting college, watching the transformation of my total being begin.

Series Introduction: The Art of Living

Lately, my “living” has been anything but artful—and as I walk through one of the darkest seasons of my life, I wonder how on earth do I write about this? About five minutes ago, I thought it wasn’t possible. But, then I read these words by Morgan Harper Nichols again and it’s as if the beauty of life washed over me—reminding me that this darkness is temporary and the sun still shines. When I think about “the art of living” I feel it’s not a one-size-fits-all idea, concept or lifestyle. It’s all the beauties, joys, laughs, adventures, and glimmers of magic that light your soul on fire.

Braving the Unknown

Flashback to January 2020: I was in Utah for the Sundance Film Festival with my best friend and all we could talk about was the fact that 2020 would be our year—we would accomplish our greatest goals and find our true path in life. Only two months later, everything began to change. The world was hit with a pandemic and everyone’s lives were affected for the worse in one way or another. Unemployment, sickness, distanced from the people we loved the most. In the blink of an eye, we were all shaken from our everyday routines and forced to face a new reality.

They're Just Temporary Weights

Our picture perfect 1930’s charmer of a home decided to leave us a gift Monday morning—a stinky, wet gift. Our sewer line was leaking from our upstairs bathroom into our basement. For the first time in my life, I was starting to believe that Mondays really are bad days…I was getting fed up. Reflecting on other recent mishaps and getting stuck in the murkiness of our current stressors was doing me no good. I kept thinking of how well I’d been composing myself, how proud I was of myself for not blowing up in any of these unfortunate moments like I may have in the past.

Things that Do Not Define Your Worth

Your worth is not defined by things like your size, your successes, the moments you fall short, the kind of car you drive, how well you cook, your personality type, or how you style your hair. Only YOU define your worth, sister. Everything else is just a distraction—keeping you from knowing who you truly are.

Affirmations for Combating Destructive Thoughts

Every single day, we are bombarded with less desirable realities and circumstances. Things like heartbreak, fear and anxiety compete for our attention and at times it can all be a bit much, am I right? In those moments when we are on the verge of a breakdown, the lies begin to creep in. We begin to associate our circumstances and the emotions we’re feeling with our worth. When we feel depleted of our strength, we believe the whispers of words like “weakness” and “lazy”. When we lose our grip on our lives, we fear we aren’t tough enough to fight back. When we find ourselves sobbing in bed in the middle of the day, we put ourselves down for not having it together.

Unraveling the Lies

Personally, it took me several years in relative isolation as a stay-at-home mom, a few identity crises, a prescription from my doctor, and a couple of years of soul-searching for me to finally accept I was enough as I was—no matter what that looked like at any given time. I went to counseling for a bit and formed some new views and friendships that made me feel supported and loved. It took far too long to get here, but I am finally learning and accepting my inherent worth. For some, it might take months or years to undo the lies you have believed for too long—but, like I said, you're worth it.

How to Find Worth in Ourselves and Others

Many of us struggle to find our worth. We look at our lives and we see all the areas we fall short in, and we wonder how we could ever be of value. Maybe we have days where we accomplish something great or see a quality in ourselves that we like and we think, “Now that is what makes me worthy.” So, we try to do that thing again. We chase that feeling by trying to do more, be more, accomplish more, but in the end, we are left broken and alone. Feeling worthless once again. The problem is not that we aren’t trying hard enough. The problem is that we are looking for our worth in all the wrong places.

3 Questions to Help You Thrive in Every Season

Life is filled with seasons. Good seasons, difficult seasons, busy seasons, restful seasons, seasons of gain, and seasons of loss. There is beauty in every season. Unfortunately, we often miss the beauty in our current season because we are too busy either dreaming of the next season or reminiscing and remembering the last season. If we are living in a difficult season, our last season often becomes abnormally good in our minds. We only remember the good parts and often wish we could return, but the reality is, every season has good and bad. We can choose to focus on the good or we can choose to focus on the bad.

Current Blog series: Purpose