The Silver Lining in 2020

Let me be the millionth person to say it: 2020 has been a rollercoaster of a year. Whether or not you were personally affected by the worldwide pandemic, terrified of killer hornets or maddened by the ungodly amount of political ads, I think we can all agree that this year was unexpected. Now, with only a day left in 2020, I can’t help but think about the ways that this sour lemon of a year turned into a truly delicious lemonade. Prior to 2020, I was moving through life, just doing what had to be done to get by and follow through on my responsibilities. I was unhappy, anxious and sometimes resembled something of a zombie.

The Balance of Before

I underestimated the balance in my life before. Before, when all was right in the world and I didn’t hold my breath when a neighbor passed in the hall. I understood balance to be the in-between I strived for with my busy-bee lifestyle. I romanticized it as maintaining zero unread emails and a full schedule, or splurging on something without having to wince when I glanced at my checking statement. But, in one way or another, balance was always there, even when I was swamped or struggling. I didn’t realize how much I was holding dear—how much I balanced in my everyday life—until it was all up in the air when the COVID-19 pandemic knocked me to the ground.

Fighting for Happiness Amidst Anxiety

I am a firm believer that you cannot fully enjoy life without struggle. After all, the struggle makes the good parts in life that much better. While attending Northern Arizona University, I ran into a lot of mental health issues. Long days of classes, homework, work, and bad relationships quietly snuck up on me and before I knew it, I was in a downward spiral I couldn’t make my way out of. Restless nights and constant knots in my stomach kept me from seeing things clearly and everyone around me knew there was something deeper going on — especially my parents. After sitting down one spring afternoon and opening up to them about my current struggles, it was clear I needed help.

The 'Why' Behind the Struggle

I’ve always been a worrier. Even when I was little, I would periodically go through different habits and quirks that helped me deal with the anxious feelings I experienced. It didn’t feel like anything abnormal, so I never considered it a unique issue. I worried. So what? I dealt with it. Well, then, I had my first panic attack. In May of 2017, just hanging out at my house, I started to feel like something was wrong. I was shaking, I felt all tingly, and my heart rate seemed to be racing. I was convinced my heart was giving out or something similar.

Current Blog series: Purpose