I didn’t know it had come back so hard. I hadn’t prepared my head or my heart because all I could process was that just a month, ONE MONTH before this, doctors had given her the go to announce she was in remission. ONE MONTH ago we were redreaming of her finally coming to join me in high school. We imagined Sadie Hawkins dances and late nights and getting our drivers licenses the following year. Nothing had pointed to this outcome. I can remember the loss for words. The loss of breath. I dropped my phone out of my hand and wept for the remaining hours of my drive from Utah to Nevada with my mom holding me in the back seat of the car.

Courage in the Face of Grief

I quickly fell face down on the floor weeping, and my sister was on the couch, crying the words, “I’m only 14.” My cousin, with her hand on my back, whispered, “I’m so sorry.” As a 16-year-old, the first words out of my mouth after just being told my dad had died were, “We can’t be sorry for what was a part of God’s plan.” Looking back, I am still shocked I said that, as a young girl, in the midst of the greatest grief I had encountered yet. This brings me to think courage can be hard for us to comprehend sometimes. We’re often told to have courage without truly understanding its meaning.

Intentional Joy Leaves No Room for Grief

Loss and grief is a painful season life brings. Enduring those tear-filled, heart-shattering moments when reality sets in can absolutely alter anyone’s spirit. Although when 31-year-old Sarah Sligar lost her mother to metastatic lung cancer in 2011, her hurt led to unsurpassable amounts of joy. Like most precious mother-daughter relationships, Sarah and her mom, Nancy were incredibly close — best friends even. Whether it was having a conversation two or three times a day or hitting the mall for a bit of shopping, every moment together was undoubtedly cherished. So, when Nancy’s two-and-a-half-year-long battle with cancer was laid to rest, Sarah couldn’t help but feel devastated, lost and a bit angry.

Be Broken No More

Life comes with a load of brokenness. Depending on the season we’re walking through, sometimes our haul is manageable and other times we find ourselves huffing from exhaustion. Brokenness comes in many different forms and takes on personas we hoped it never would. I’ve experienced brokenness lately in an array of different shapes and sizes, each carrying its own burden. A few weeks ago I received a rejection letter for a fellowship I applied for. That thing took every little piece of me. I had never worked so hard at something and to see it all fall away is hard to accept.

Nikki CharnstromOctober 11, 2018heartbreak, brokenness, broken, life, emotional, hurt, pain, loss, encouragement, girls, blog for women, new blog, christian blog, truth, true struggle, honesty, hurting, inspirationalComment

The Prayer of the Heart

I still remember the last time I held his hand and watched him sleep. Told him I loved him, not knowing when I would see him again. Although it might seem like I'm talking about a breakup, and this same situation has happened before in my love life, I'm talking about another kind of love. Almost four years ago, I lost my grandfather. Growing up, my dad's parents were a second set of parents for my brother and me. When my parents needed a well-deserved break, for all of our recitals and sporting games, every holiday and birthday and really any day in between, my grandparents were always there.

Finding Victory from Fear

Fear is sneaky. It creeps in when you least expect it. It tags along when it is most unwelcome. It shows up when you are dealing with loss, with grief, with frustration, with pain. Fear knows no boundaries. It is no respecter of persons. Rich people fear. Poor people fear. Men fear. Women fear. The educated fear. The uneducated fear. It doesn’t matter what religion, what race, what your family looks like, what town you live in — fear will try to find its way in.

Current Blog series: Purpose