A Crown Without Value

By: Peyton Jade Gottschalk

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I am sitting in my car thinking about what crown I wear (disclaimer: I didn’t type this while driving, I made a voice memo to transcribe). I think through different seasons of life we allow ourselves to wear crowns that define who we are and not positive ones — not the crown the King of kings has put on our heads. He puts crowns of love, of grace and of righteousness, of being His daughter and being His bride on our head. Then we come in and let the enemy crown us. We let him stand there and tell us on the day we are going to be crowned in front of the kingdom that we are crowned in loneliness. We are crowned in ugliness. We are crowned in despair, in addiction, in fear.

Let me tell you, I buy into those lies. I let the enemy crown me and I let him show me who I am in a mirror that is covered in a tint of Satan. He lets me get a glimpse at the me covered in the lies he wants me to see. He says, “Here you are. Look at your worthlessness. Look at that face no one will ever love.”

I let the enemy convince me I am unlovable.

But then one day I took a second, just one second, to look a little closer.

I realized that the image was morphed. The reflection I was seeing was distorted like a mirror in a not-so-funhouse at a fair. It was up to me to peel back the layer that was changing what I saw — to restore my identity back to the Lord’s original definition.

God gives us eyes to see the crown He has put on our head, the crown He says we are meant to wear.

As I look back on the crowns I have let myself wear most recently, I know for a fact I let myself accept this crown of no value. I spent a year talking to God where every conversation went like this:

    Me: "You know what God? I do not deserve a man who would love me the way you do. I deserve to settle because I have settled. I have let myself fall short and acted in a way I said I never would as your daughter."

    God: “But Peyton..”

    Me (cutting Him off): “No!! I promise you Lord, no man who loves You and has saved the most precious depths of himself for his wife should have a woman like ME by his side.”

This went on for months on end. Every day. Every night.

I fully believed what I was saying and I refused to let the Father come in. I did not want him to speak truth over me.  I begged God not to change my mind. I begged him not to tell a man he deserves me, because no man deserves a woman as destroyed as me.

Then the Lord came in. He brought me Roy, a man who is defined by love. He lives his life so much for Jesus it’s contagious. It seems to literally rub off onto those around him.

He doesn’t even have to tell someone about his faith in God. He just has to live his life and you immediately feel like you understand the pure love and acceptance of Jesus himself. He shows me that through his day-to-day life.

God brought the biggest speaker of life into my story right when I needed it the most. He brought me a friend who unconditionally loved me, who listened to me and encouraged me through the darkness and into the brightest light.  The Lord brought me a partner who is faithful and good and pure and wise. Roy is all the things I have ever wanted but never felt I deserved.

So, I finally let God speak.

He said, “I want to submerge you in a year full of truth. I want to take you out of whatever plan you have for yourself and plant you at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. I want you to pursue me like I have been pursuing you your whole life to equip you not only for your future and your marriage and parenting, but to be out in the field living for my kingdom every single day. I am going to be there. I am going to fully submerge you in what I have for you. This is a year of showing you what I have for you and that you are not lonely. You are good enough, you are MY daughter.”

Now I stand here today wearing a crown of grace.

That’s all I seek this year. All I have seen is grace poured over my life in abundance. I now get to go to the place the Lord has been calling me to meet him for the past two years. I get to walk through the darkness and into the light hand-in-hand with the best guy, living out a life for the King of kings.

Ladies, take that extra second to take a closer look at the mirror. Choose to see the crown the Lord has placed on your head.

 

Peyton is a freelance journalist who strides through every day with a little coffee and a lot of Jesus. If she’s not scribbling away in a journal at a corner café she is probably watercolor painting, baking pastries or exploring new hobbies.